Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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