After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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