I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
