Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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