Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
