I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No subtext here. People are naked.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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