Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
