drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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