he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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