Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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