The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize