I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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