i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
