So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
