Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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