I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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