if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
