Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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