if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if only i could text you this smell
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
