i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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