I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize