Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
