Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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