Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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