I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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