can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
