Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
