when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
