So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so let's talk penis.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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