It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
