She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
