i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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