I haven't been this sober since birth.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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