Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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