Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize