When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
