i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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