just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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