White coat. Heels.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
