Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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