So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
