i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
