I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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