She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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