I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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