shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
