Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
