My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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