my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I CAN MOONWALK!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Everything about him screamed your future.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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