so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
