he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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