so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
