saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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