Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
