Your mouth is God's brothel.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize