woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
