Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
