How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
