my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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