Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
