I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
