Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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