I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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