when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
