dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
