I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
