I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
