Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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