I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
