I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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