nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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