She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
