I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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