He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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